bacon jam, thank you ma’am


to make this here bacon jam for yourself and those whom you love and whose arteries you care nothing about:


step one: cook up 1 buttload of bacon

(1 buttload = four lbs)

step two: ignore your dirty oven.

step 3: chop up a buttload of onions:


(buttload = four onions)

THEN! since your bacon is all done cooking and cooling, pour in about 4 tablespoons of the bacon grease (into a big ole pot)

with the onions ^ aforementioned

and about 8-10 chopped up garlic cloves

so, grease. onions. garlic. just those things.

let that cook until the onions are “transluuuuuucent”


once they arrrrrrrrrrrrrre (to be read in a pirate accent), dump in ONE whole cup of apple cider vinegar

and TWO whole cups of brewed, black coffee. stronnng.

also about 1 cup of brown sugar and like 3/4 cup of maple syrup.


bring it to a boil.

continue to ignore your messy kitchen.


dump in alllll four pounds of bacon, which you’ve let mostly cool, I guess

and have broken up into like 1 inch pieces, if you were using your time wisely.


step Next: let that simmer for like 3 hours.

I went to Wal-Mart and Dunkin Donuts (happy National DONUT DAY! free donut! when I purchased my iced latte! sugar and caffeine yay!) and I came back.

I had a Number 9

or two

and I watched a Doctor Who episode.

or two.

and when most of the liquid had simmered out, I pulsatingly food-processed it til it was jammy

and sort of lumpy and awesome (like your mom) HA!


I continued to ignore my dirty stove (HEY! you’re gonna clean it after. keep ignoring it for right now.)

and after I pulsed and food-processed the whole batch, I “poured” it into jars, and then boiled those jars in a 10 minute water bath to seal them

Step 11: photograph your bacon jam with a tiny piggy


then photograph it with a label:


(but you must take it outside first. take it for a walk.)

Step The Last: eat a bacon jam sammitch. on toast.

eat it too fast to take its picture.

then watch more Who, drink more Nine.

the end

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