to make this here bacon jam for yourself and those whom you love and whose arteries you care nothing about:
step one: cook up 1 buttload of bacon
(1 buttload = four lbs)
step two: ignore your dirty oven.
step 3: chop up a buttload of onions:
(buttload = four onions)
THEN! since your bacon is all done cooking and cooling, pour in about 4 tablespoons of the bacon grease (into a big ole pot)
with the onions ^ aforementioned
and about 8-10 chopped up garlic cloves
so, grease. onions. garlic. just those things.
let that cook until the onions are “transluuuuuucent”
once they arrrrrrrrrrrrrre (to be read in a pirate accent), dump in ONE whole cup of apple cider vinegar
and TWO whole cups of brewed, black coffee. stronnng.
also about 1 cup of brown sugar and like 3/4 cup of maple syrup.
bring it to a boil.
continue to ignore your messy kitchen.
dump in alllll four pounds of bacon, which you’ve let mostly cool, I guess
and have broken up into like 1 inch pieces, if you were using your time wisely.
step Next: let that simmer for like 3 hours.
I went to Wal-Mart and Dunkin Donuts (happy National DONUT DAY! free donut! when I purchased my iced latte! sugar and caffeine yay!) and I came back.
I had a Number 9
and I watched a Doctor Who episode.
and when most of the liquid had simmered out, I pulsatingly food-processed it til it was jammy
and sort of lumpy and awesome (like your mom) HA!
I continued to ignore my dirty stove (HEY! you’re gonna clean it after. keep ignoring it for right now.)
and after I pulsed and food-processed the whole batch, I “poured” it into jars, and then boiled those jars in a 10 minute water bath to seal them
Step 11: photograph your bacon jam with a tiny piggy
then photograph it with a label:
(but you must take it outside first. take it for a walk.)
Step The Last: eat a bacon jam sammitch. on toast.
eat it too fast to take its picture.
then watch more Who, drink more Nine.