we all scream for bacon

SO. you want to make bacon maple ice cream?


you start with like half a pound of bacon and you cook it up

with a spoonful of butter

[oh yeah, use this recipe]


cook the bacon some more

cook it nice and good

cook it REAL good

while the bacon’s cooking, take four eggs and magically remove the yellow parts from the clear parts

or use a slotted spoon. don’t forget to save the egg whites for your man’s breakfast tomorrow, ’cause you remember how huffy he got last time when you told him you threw the slime away.

oh, yeah. I had put like 8 tablespoons of darrrrk brown sugar in the bowl first. THEN the four egg yolks.

set it on (if you have a Kitchenaid) like 4-6 and let it go. whilst you’re tending the bacon.

also maybe start cooking dinner ’cause your man, he’s going to be home soon and darn if he doesn’t like meat and potatoes on the table when he gets home

bratwurst! potatoes!

when the bacon’s done cooking, remove like 1/3 of it and place it on a paper towel to sort of drain and cool (that’s going in the ice cream later on, babycakes)

add 8 oz of milk and 8 oz of heavy cream to the bacon that’s left in the pan, with all the grease and drippins.

cook that on low-medium for like 10 minutes

let the brown sugar/egg yolks keep mixing!

check on the delicious bratwurst

THEN. after the cream/milk/bacon mixture has cooked for about 10 minutes, put it aside and let it cool a bit, and then strain it

so’s you get all the bacon chunks out of it. THOSE bacon pieces should be tossed out, they’ve lost all their flavor. the recipe I was following said so, but I didn’t believe it and I tried a piece. it just tasted like …wet…skin. Not even delicious pigskin. Just wet..skin. floppy. wet. gross. Throw it out. it’s wet skin covered in cream. and not sweet cream, it’s just heavy cream at this point. heavy, creamy, wet, bacon with no flavor. BELIEVE ME!

then pour it into the mixer with the sugar/egg mixture and turn it down to 1, let it mix for a couple minutes;

then put it BACK in a pot (a clean one I reckon) and heat that up real good

and add about 3 tablespoons (or more) of maple syrup. the real stuff.

take it off the stove, put it in another bowl, a clean one, and put that joker in the fridge for an hour or the freezer for like 45 minutes.

yeah yeah, we need to defrost. today was busy, shaddap.

SO while that’s cooling, turn them taters into a German potato salad – the first one you’ve ever attempted and it came out quite nice if you don’t say so yourself.

head outside to pick some mint for a Mo-Ji-To

check on your awesomely climbing and curling green beans

go whip yourself up that mojito

and play some Dr Mario while you wait for your man

then eat dinner with him, play some cards, you know – the usual.

THEN. whence the mixture in the freezer is sort of solid-er and awesome, pour it in the handy-dandy ice cream machines your mom sent you and follow those directions.

garnish with extra baconz and nom til your arteries say uncle.

then when the kid gets home from the circus with his friends and the delicious scent of bacon and/or ice cream is permeating the house and he is drooling for some and there’s none left

you can laugh like a maniac while he bonks you on the head with his squeaky inflatable hammer he got from said circus

and rub your belly and groan.

goodnight everybody.

– janet

About cleverwhatever

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